My Neighbour is Not a Whore – Short Story

 

I hopped into the Taxi dragging a massive cat carrier that was really a small dog carrier. It contained my injured pet, a large ginger cat (called Sherlock which was ironic because he was an idiot).

“I need to go the vets” I rushed out, struggling with overexerted breathing.

“Oh what did e’ do then?” the driver started the car up and pulled away.

“He  thought he was Batman and threw himself in the general direction of a wardrobe and missed ” I peered down at my unhappy furry friend.

“I know your mums man” the driver announced.

I was distracted “Which one?”

“John” the driver paused, “You know, John”.

“I hadn’t realised she’d reached the letter ‘J’ yet” I mulled whilst putting my seatbelt on “are you sure?”

“Yeah I met him when you were both in Glasgow” Driver said.

“A,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,J” I counted “It’s certainly possible”

“Is John not your dad?” Driver asked.

“I’m not sure I know any Johns” I fumbled about my memories only fixating on one John (not one I liked and the Taxi driver seemed to be too nice to be friends with an abusive monster from Hell)

“Are you sure it’s John?” I queried.

“Definitely – Did my brothers garden up”

“Hm” I considered “It’s possible. I stopped keeping track when it hit the low hundreds. Not that I’m bothered too much – If she wasn’t a bit whore-y then I wouldn’t have been born. Difficult to be judgemental when you’re the result of bad judgement”.

“You sure we’re talking about the same person?” Driver asked “I’m sure John’s wife was OK”.

My cat meowed melodramatically.

“Do you have any more info I could work with?” I asked and looked at the guy for the first time. He did seem familiar and because there was no filter between my thoughts and mouth “You do seem familiar”.

“He does outdoor work and his wife makes great soup”.

“Oh my g……” realisation flooded in “That’s my neighbour and his wife is NOT a Whore. She can’t be – she’s catholic and irish!”

The driver laughed as I winced at my massive blunder into the land of stereotypes “How’s the hole you’re digging?”

“Oh its reached suitable depth. But she is not a whore and John’s my neighbour – not my dad…at least as far as I know”.